


Zombihood

by Keenir



Category: iZombie (TV)
Genre: AU...very very tiny change, Ellen Casey was 'Cute Nerdy Girl' in the pilot, Episode 1.03, Episode Tag, Gen, Liv may be in shock, both character names are from IMDB, or its the brains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-20 17:06:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3658335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keenir/pseuds/Keenir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liv has to explain some things to Major...or rather, explain one big thing.  The problem is something she hadn't considered.</p><p><i>Zombihood.  The state of being a zombie.  See also </i>zombiness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"...from the suffix - _hood_ , which also gives us the words _widowhood_ and _maidenhood_ and _womanhood_ , though in the Old English, the suffix was rendered - _had_."  _I will be_ so _glad when we solve this case and I don't need this brain's memories.  It's almost as annoying as that sociopath - god, was it only two days ago we closed that case?_

"So..." Ravi said, "zombihad?"

"Sounds like a cousin of ambiance, not to mention an ultra-rightwing movie I'm surprised nobody's made yet," Liv said. 

"Zombihood?"

"Sounds like I'm supposed to rob from the rich.  No brain jokes."

"You just made one," Ravi said.

"I'd foodfight you, but questions would be raised if I got brains on the wall," Liv remarked.

* * *

 

"Major," Liv said the next day, seeing who was waiting for her at the doors of the morgue.  "I... I haven't seen your friend, if that's why you're here.  Is it?"  _'Is it?'  Well, nice to know last night's new brain isn't as intrusive into my life as some of the others have been.  Yay me._

"That's reassuring, and thank you," Major said.  "But it isn't why I'm here.  Can...can I come in?  I need to tell you something."

Liv raised an eyebrow at his I Need To Confess voice.  _Last time he used that, it turned out to be adorable what he was doing to help soup kitchens.  The time before that, it was after a week of trying to figure out where he'd hidden my socks - which was also the last time I bragged about being able to find anything and everything._

"Follow me," Liv said, opening the doors.  _No Ravi right now, so we don't have to worry about being interrupted, not that Major and I got into anything interruptible while I was at work even pre-party._   When they were inside, and the doors shut, Liv said, "Take your time." 

"Its about my behavior the other day, here in the station," Major said.  "I was -"

"I was pretty bitchy myself," Liv interrupted.  "No harm, no foul, Major."

"Actually, that was the best I've done the past few days.  Mostly, I'm sort of... _blah_ says it best."

She looked at him, concerned.  _Damn straight I'm worried - even without any romantic feelings, Major's been one of my best friends for so many years.  That and the last time he got depressed, his college championship cycling team were literally beaten by snails._

"Even at the party...and about that, I should explain," Major offered.

"You don't need to do that - I mean, really, really don't need to," Liv said.  _Particularly about the party.  You've moved on.  I get it.  For five months, that's what I wanted, hoped you'd get on with your life.  Then I ate the unfaithful brain._

"Ellen wanted to go to the party, and I couldn't think of a reason not to - or to stay home, though I think I wasn't feeling up to it.  I mean, I was the only one there who wasn't really feeling the cheer suffusing the place.  When we won Jenga - which I'm guessing you saw -"

Liv nodded.

"Ellen cheered, like everyone else did, and laughed.  And all I could think was," Major said, "we won.  Exactly like that.  No cheer or laugh, just a smile."

 _Granted you were never what anyone would call boisterous...but winning never bores you.  Or me back before that party._    "Plain text?" Liv asked, her innards tensing.  

"Plain text," he confirmed.

_Ooh crap.  This doesn't look good.  Wait, I never - we never -_

"I figured I was having a weird reaction to some virus or stomach bug," Major said, "or I did until I realized it all started when you came over and w-  you kissed me."

_Seriously?  Zombie-ism is like cooties, transmissible via lips?_

"Do you have a bug or anything, Liv?" Major asked.

"Or...something," Liv said.

"I wouldn't have suspected you at all, but I remembered your hair."

 _This is like that joke about a guy's favorite part of a woman, and the answer is her ears._ "My...hair?"

Major nodded, reached one hand up to his temple, and brushed the hairs up. 

Liv's eyes went wide, legs ready to run, gut reared up against her spine. _Huh.  So that's what the flight part of fight-or-flight looks like in a zombie; I'll just call it Flee._

There, in the hairs normally covered by his bangs, was a shock of white.

 _My...hair.  My hair.  Oh crap, my hair._ "You mean when my hair got more and more white," Liv said, unable to say it as a question.

Major nodded again.  "Would I have found the culprit if I hadn't returned that book on skin diseases when I did?"

 _Excuse me, I'm standing right in front of you._    "Major, I have a few tiny questions, and I'm really hoping the answer to all of them is a big fat No."

"Ask away."

"Okay," Liv said.  "These past few days, have most foods tasted like oatmeal?"

"I wasn't feeling well," Major said.  "Alls I've been eating has been oatmeal."

"Right."  _Some things really don't change.  Good to know._ "Have you had any weird cravings?"

"Anchovy pizza."

Liv smiled, reassured.   Thus she jumped ahead to her final question, knowing that he never ever did it: "Have you growled at anyone?"

"No," Major said.

"Yes!"

"Snarled."

Liv backed up a step.  _The hell, feet?  I'm dead, why are you afraid?  And why am I talking to myself?_   To Major, "I'm sorry, Major, I really am," covering her face.  "I did this to you, I did.  I was af- _This_ is why I broke things off when I did.  I didn't want to...this."

"Liv?" Major asked.

"I did this to you," she repeated.  Then she lowered her hands, frowned, and looked at his face.  "Wait a minute, _how_ did I do this to you?  This thing doesn't spread by saliva."  _I'm not even sure I_ have _saliva per se._

"So, not the kiss?"

"Not the kiss," Liv confirmed.  _But boy would that be a plot twist for a zombie movie._

"A scratch?" Major asked.

Her eyes widened again, her entire body switching back to Flee mode.  "I _scratched_ you?"

"My head was in your hands, and I pulled away, and one of your fingernails scratched me.  It wasn't even noticeable at the time," Major said.   "I only saw it later, when I was shaving."

Liv slumped, sitting down on the nearest chair.  "Shit."

"It's just a bug, Liv," Major said, coming up beside her and resting a hand on her shoulder.  "It'll pass.  Not sure if I'll have as severe a reaction as you," he said, trying to let it serve as shared humor.

In response, Liv smiled as she looked at him.  "Major, there's something I need to tell you."

"'Something' that has to do with why you went cold turkey from your life?"

"Yes, and its so reassuring that you and my brother are still friends," Liv quipped.  "Seriously, we need to talk before you get cravings, and before I get more of them."

"Cravings?"

"Oh yeah," Liv said.  _There's no easy way to say this, no gentle way to remove the bandaid, because this pool has no shallow end - its a fall right into the deep end.  But I'm going to stick close, because as good as Major swims, helping him is the least I can do._   "We're zombies."

He didn't back up.

He didn't laugh.

He didn't remove his hand from her.

Liv was relieved on all those counts.

Major said, "Liv, there's one small problem with that."

"I'm all ears."

"Only a dead person can be a zombie."

Liv looked at him, giving a subtle nod, and an encouraging grin.   "Yeah."

"We never died," Major said.

That grin figuratively fell off her face.  "You...didn't..."  _Aaand just when I was about to start to wonder if, now that I didn't have to worry about infecting Major with zombie, we could, I don't know, date or cuddle or something..._ this _gets dropped in my lap._ "That's wonderful news," she said, though she slid away from him.

"Liv?"

"I should go have lunch.  I get cranky these days if I don't eat," Liv said.  _Also, I'm more likely to rage out_.

"Where would you like to go?  It's been a while since we went anywhere for lunch together," Major said.

 _As much as I was relishing the chance to split a brain with you, Major, I can't._   Pasting a smile on her face, "Rain check?"

"Maybe a good idea.  I like what you were doing, though, pulling my leg about being zombies.  But you're right, we're too soon for lunch."

 _After everything, yeah._ "Riight, with the leg and the pulling."  _What is with me?  First I'm talking to myself, now I'm making quips like that?  I suppose I should be thankful this isn't the brain of a murder victim._

Major smiled, waved, and walked out of the morgue.

"Bye," Liv said, waving.  Then she sighed.  _There is no way in hell I am telling Ravi any of this_. 


	2. Slurpies and books

"To be honest, I'm surprised it took this long."

Pausing in her filling out the relevant forms to file yet another dead body, Liv looked over at where Ravi was sitting at his desk, book in his hands.  "What are you talking about?"

"The milkshakes in the morgue fridge.  Tell me you didn't put a brain in the blender this morning."

"I didn't put a brain in the blender," Liv said.  _It was last night._ "Why?  You didn't drink from either of them, did you?"

"Credit me with more sense than that," Ravi said.  "But like I said, I'm surprised it took this long."

"Why?"

"You can drink a milkshake anywhere.  No questions asked."

"Assuming it works, and I don't need to chew my food for it to work," Liv said.

"For the fake-psychic bit to work, or for the not regressing bit?"

"Yes."  Liv peered at him, making out just what book he had in his hands.  With what would've been a groan if she'd still been alive, "Tell me you aren't reading The Serpent and the Rainbow," Liv said.

"What's wrong with it?" Ravi asked.

"Those aren't real zombies."  _Yes, its where we get the word_ zombi _, which was bastardized as_ zombie _which...oh for god's sake, really?  Like I didn't get enough Jeopardy and Trivial Pursuit from my last two?  I thought you were going to be cool - aand I'm talking to myself again.  Great.  Yay me._

"By that rubric, neither are anyone in The Walking Dead, or the hundreds of zombie movies you've undoubtedly seen by now.  You aren't those, just as you aren't these," holding the book just slightly aloft.

Liv shook her head.

"So...date?"

"What??" Liv asked.

"You're taking two brain smoothies with you on your lunch break," Ravi said.  "Ergo, date.  And, as Marcy's dead - still sorry about that, by the way - that only leaves your friend Blaine."

"He's not my friend," was Liv's first thought.  "And I'm trying something new, 'ergo' bringing extra.  And yes, before you ask, you can run tests when I get back."

"Have fun," Ravi said, "on the not-date."


	3. Chapter 3

"Nu-uh," I say, and move the throw pillows to somewhere else on the sofa.  Again.  I shake my head and try telling myself that Major won't care where I put those things.

Unless he does.  I was sitting on his throw pillows when I got up and snogged him, wasn't I?  Maybe he'll be thinking - worrying? - that I'm going to try to relive that majorly awkward moment?

Not that I would...I've been a well-behaved little zombie.  Zombie-ess.  Zombiess?    Um, no.

Okay, get it together. Major's going to be here soon, and I'm going to tell him everything. Okay, maybe not the part about my eating on the job, except in the context of fighting crime, because really, there's no other way to make neurophagy sound like a good thing. Neurophagy, brain-eating, whatever we call it. Synapsivore?

Psychic.  Yeah, maybe mention I'm a psychic now.  Because I am...sorta...just not like Clive thinks I am.  I'm reading the minds of the minds I eat.  Wait, some worms do that.   Lovely.   I suppose that's a detail that would make zombie victories in movies unpreventable, at least once we feast on someone who knows where all the humans - nubile and otherwise - are going to be hiding from us.  Us?  Maybe I've been watching more than enough of the movies, I can stop any time I want, and -

Punching a pillow works to break that garbage scow of a train of thought, though now I need to find a place to hide said pillow. 

New plan - try thinking something else.

Okay...if Major's really still alive, and I did give him zombie - and he wouldn't dye his hair for a prank, even after all I put him through - then does that mean he'll turn into a zombie as soon as he dies?  No matter how he dies, even if he's unscratched for the rest of his days, he'll join me in the ranks of the undead...though we don't have ranks.  How very The Walking Dead of him.

I sigh.   I swear, if my life gets any more meta, I'm going to apply for a position with the Middleman.

* * *

I look at how things look to either side of what I painted and Peyton helped me hang on the wall, and it hits me: Major may not want to see that.  After all, he saw me painting it, and the next time we saw each other, I gave him zombie.  Memory association.

I'm just glad this brain isn't the sort to slap sense into me...it happened once.  So not looking forward to getting another brain like that one on the menu.  Fortunately, Peyton had been out on a training seminar at the time - I've had more than a few inspired explanations, and a few awkward shrugs, and neither would've helped if she'd seen me beating myself up like that.

Still, if this brain were that sort, it'd be slapping one cheek, then the other, and maybe one more to grow on - 'get ahold of yourself' it'd say, 'and stop being such a whiny baby.'  I definitely know my old meals far too well.  Maybe I need a hobby.

'Or maybe you need to stop being someone so insecure that she turned her ex-boyfriend into a zombie, so that nobody else could date him.'  Okay, insecure's the wrong word. And it was definitely an accident - and if anyone says things are fated, I will spit on their brains!

Accident.  I was running on borrowed passions - which spurred the production of endorphins too?  Yeah, because being a brain-eating undead creature doesn't mean I don't need endorphins for... aside from the full-zombie rage, what do I need endorphins for?  Or hormones.  Adrenaline, fine, I can see how that would be useful.

Right, where was I?  Right, accident and borrowed passions and lowered my guard and there was kissing and -

Hold on... if my life were still Romance, and not transferred to the Horror section, this would be the part of the movie where we think we made a baby, and rediscover our love for one another as we prepare to welcome a new life into the world.

"..." is all I can think to say to that.  Yeah, _oh_.

Well that puts a whole new spin on it: I knocked Major up.

I got a tad over-amorous, and because of that moment of no self-control, there's a wee zombie growing in Major now.

Granted, the zombie is Major, not some undead fetus.  Same principle.

This happened because of me, and I'm not going to re-abandon Major this time.  I'm gonna be here when he needs me.

Rediscovering need not apply.  This is teacher-student only, and 'sexy padawan' was one of the games we never got up to.  One of a great many.

O-kay, and time to derail yet another train.  Major'll probably ask if vampires and other supernatural stuff is real, because that's just how scifi works: if one supernatural bugaboo isn't just a figment of imagination, then a dozen other things are really real too.

A sound from the door works to derail too, because it did.

Knocking. Nice.  Even if he is early.

Stop cleaning and re-re-reorganizing everything, and yeah...  Go over, open the door, say hi to - "Major," Liv said. "And Peyton."

"I figured she deserved an explanation more," Major said by way of apology, "but you'd asked me to come, and I didn't want to back out."

Great.  With my luck, I'd get to the application office, and find out Peyton is the Middleman.


End file.
